Existential Aloneness

To me, thats what the whole believer/non-believer thing comes down to - and today, I think I handed myself a strong lesson in just what that means.  You see, I live with a believer, as I suspect most atheists do, and during a casual (non-religious) discussion over lunch, she had a revelation about how god had aligned the events of her life such that she was given an experience in her youth that she greatly enjoyed.  The revelation made her cry... hard.  And I, the atheist, sat there in silence waiting for her to continue with what she was saying (which, by the way, was a sweet and lovely and engaging story of her time abroad as a youth) and despite her tears, it was clear that she was planning on continuing with her story.  When the tears subsided, she expressed her overwhelming gratitude to god for guiding her life and giving her that experience.  As an atheist, I had never had such an experience, and I marvelled at the importance her faith had in her life.  I didn't feel like I was missing anything by not having a benevolent diety guiding my life, but it made me introspective about how wrenching a conversation with an atheist might be for a believer who feels that they are being second guessed by someone who doesn't "know" the spirit of god.  The tearful experience had not been initiated by a discussion of god, but it brought to mind another recent exchange between myself and another believer that I had -- one that had ended very badly indeed.  

You see, I am a atheist with a strong interest in theology, so I avail myself of the opportunity to talk to believers regarding their faith, when they are game for it.  Some are, some aren't, thats ok and to my knowledge, I do not try to deconvert anybody, I'm usually just trying to gain an understanding. And I don't even mind if somebody wants to try to convert me.  I really try to hear them and to feel what they are trying to get me to feel, but I just don't.  In the case of the conversation that had gone wrong, I sort of flew in the other direction and by writing about this, I'm trying to work out why.  Of course, the first thing that a believer might suggest at this point was that the feelings got "too close to home".  Well yes, of course they did, or I wouldn't have flown off the handle.  The interesting thing is that my partner in this conversation hadn't been trying to convert me, in fact he wrote (this was an email exchange) that he thought one way and I thought another and neither of us was likely to change.  Was I enraged because he failed to play the game right?  That I was looking for conversion and he wasn't biting?   Fair question, but unfortunately...no.  I have had many conversion opportunities and this wasn't going in that direction, and I wasn't expecting it to.  What appears to have happened was that my email buddy offended a personal value of mine that was/is so Important to me that I couldn't sit impassionately with it.  I pride myself on being able to maintain these types of discussions and getting riled usually is deleterious to the cause, so I really, really try to not lose my cool.  And, in fact, my email buddy wasn't trying to get me riled!  He was just being honest about his beliefs!  So what gives?  Why did I write him a vile, vitreolic rant as a response?

Well, in looking at the conversation, it started to go south before it actually even got started!  I made the ill-considered decision to forward my friend a link to a recent Pew Research study showing that atheists were well versed in the World's Religions, including Christianity.  Better versed, in fact, than most Americans.  I didn't think that he would be the least bit surprised and, in fact, he wasn't.  He did, however, take very seriously that I was boasting.  (Was I? Maybe... maybe I was "poking" at him to get a conversation going.... I don't know).   But he didn't react the way I was expecting.  What he did say was "As for ‘knowledge’ about world religions: to me, that is a matter of pride in trivial information.". THATS the statement that set me off.  I was deeply offended that someone would purposely blind themselves to others experiences (I used the word "wisdom") because it would take up too much time and was "prideful"!  Wow! I truly lost it and replied in a very nasty way.  In retrospect, I should have paid more attention to a DIFFERENT aspect of a blog he had posted earlier.  In it, he implied that he felt comforted by the knowledge that, and I'm paraphrasing here, his focus on the literal word of god (i.e. the Bible alone) would result in him being with Jesus (presumably after death).  I think the key phrase here is "comfort".    

Taken together, my witnessing of my roomie's tears of gratitude and my belated realization of the comfort factor, brings me to a slightly different understanding of the whole, nasty exchange between me and my email friend.  I was (and still am) offended and horrified that someone would trivialize others so cavalierly; however, I now think I see how all-encompassing faith can be.  The question I now pose to myself is: "To what extent am I willing to "witness" for my own values in the face of a clear denial (by someone else) of that value's importance?". I sure don't know at this point.  My roomie's opinion is that I should at least try to make some sort of amends for my less-than-civil email but, as you might imagine, I'm not sure I am willing to do that.  Perhaps I was less than civil.  When your ethical foundations are criticized or made light of, it seems that one is ethically bound to defend it.  The real question is "how vociferously?". Ask yourself " if I witnessed a crime, would I have the courage to intervene?  or, for believers, are you willing to offend in defense of your faith?  Same question for me.  How far should I go?

So, how does this all tie together? Just like my believer friends, I too am afraid of the idea of being alone in the cosmos...  They look to god for peace of mind and security of a bond that will transcend their lifetime(s).  I, as an atheist, don't look to a god, but that doesn't mean I don't experience my own existential aloneness.  Its hard to be an athiest sometimes.  It can be lonely, especially when one's bonds to friends and family members are threatened or even severed by a lack of mutual respect.  In my own feeble attempt to find commonalities with others, I have been guilty of defending my own values at the expense of others while those others have been guilty of believing that I have a self-concept of steel.  All of us, believers and non-believers alike, seek companionship and understanding: to be well understood and well liked by other beings like ourselves.  And we all stumble when we (or our values) are rejected.  The principal difference between believers and non-believers is that the believers have a secured bond, a secured connection -we unbelievers don't, we float in the universe, perhaps in wonderment and awe, perhaps not.  But, at least for this atheist, I never reduce the value I hold in my relationships with other human beings for the sake of a relationship with a god.  Its just a thing I have and can hold onto.....most of the time.